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POLITICS: Congress Cancels the Weather Feb. 1, 2010: This essay is also currently online at The Daily Mooch. By AMBER FERGUSON Disassociated Pressed Writer WASHINGTON DC. (DP) -- Because the recent flooding, tornadoes, and other attacks by the environment have stolen valuable media attention from the upcoming Presidential campaign, Congress may cancel the weather. Democrat Speaker Nancy Pelosi pushed the measure through the House last Thursday, claiming, "If the current administration won't do something to stop nature then we will." Fellow party member Sheila Jackson-Lee of Texas agreed. "If the American people want to see water, they can turn on a faucet. If they want air, they can turn on a fan. If this President were more in tune with the American people he claims to lead, he would understand that." Oil prices soared immediately after the resolution was passed. In a rare bipartisan press conference Friday morning, Democratic presidential-contender Barack Obama and Republican nominee John McCain called upon the Senate to follow in the footsteps of the House and vote in favor of the cancellation. "Hurricanes distract people enough," Senator Obama said. "But when you combine hurricanes with floods or wildfires or droughts, the media just can't seem to stay focused on what's really important. Our campaigns." McCain agreed. "It's a shocking situation. Last May, only two AP reporters showed up for my karaoke party in Topeka. And, so help me, they were interns. Simply because huge chunks of Texas and...and, well, a couple of less populous states were floating away." Although House Republicans initially balked, several prominent members jumped the aisle and voted in favor of the measure, after an amendment to cancel the entire season of autumn was added. The amendment is the most controversial aspect of the bill. A new poll published by The Wall Street Journal and Highlights magazine reflects a significant number of Americans are unhappy with the cancellation of fall. Sixty-eight percent of respondents fear the measure will carry over into winter. Angry protestors organized a nationwide protest Friday morning. An estimated ten thousand demonstrators marched in front of Toys 'R Us stores in ten major cities, most holding handmade signs that read, "wat if santa clawz dont no wen its christmas time" and "we lik snow!" President George W. Bush called a brief press conference at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, on Friday. The President stated clearly, "If this measure passes the Senate, I will veto it. The American people do not want the government messing around with their seasonings. I mean seasons." In a quick rebuttal, Senator Obama lauded the heavy-handed measure in a press release early Saturday morning. "There's no point in only going halfway on the important issue of real weather change. Without the additional measure of canceling autumn, when those leaves start changing the American people will definitely not want to spend a lot of time inside watching our debates. Especially in New England." Speaker Pelosi concurred in a press conference Saturday afternoon. "The President's threat to veto this measure just proves once and for all he does not have his finger on the pulse of the American people. This, after all, is the man who allowed Katrina to destroy New Orleans." Former Vice President and presidential nominee Al Gore is currently conducting research regarding how canceling the weather will affect global warming. When reporters caught up to him outside the Capitol, Gore said, "If we can get the European Union to come on board with us, we just might have something. As soon as we download the latest version of PowerPoint, I'll get back to you." The Senate announced it will vote on the measure next week. Oil prices soared immediately after the announcement. © Amber Ferguson POLITICS: Perry Hits Rock Bottom By AMBER FERGUSON Disassociated Pressed Writer AUSTIN, Tx. (DP) -- A new Disassociated Pressed poll shows Texas voters are disenchanted with once popular Governor Rick Perry. Although Texans reacted favorably to Perry's last executive order--his plan to imprison anyone who mentioned the word "hurricane" within 500 miles of a licensed Houston driver--the requirement that all citizens be vaccinated against Kryptonite poisoning was not as favorably received. Nor was Perry's project to cheer up the state's toll booth attendants, an idea the governor conceived while cruising down a near abandoned Austin tollway on Christmas Day 2006. When Perry cheerfully called to the attendants, "Have a holly jolly Christmas!" as his limo whizzed by, several workers responded with profane hand gestures. Perry called a press conference to address the lack of booth attendant morale. In a speech that moved several AP reporters to tears, Perry lambasted the state's neglect of those who labor deep within Texas roadside stalls. When the House convened for its regular session in January 2007, a bipartisan committee backed by the governor introduced a bill to improve booth conditions. Supporters introduced testimony from attendants and their families. Opponents protested the state should not fund roads it does not own. Supporters amended the bill to include a 3 percent state sales tax increase to finance the purchase of all Texas toll roads. The measure passed four to one. Debate moved to how to improve booth conditions. Even supporters could not agree about the conflicting merits of leather recliners, ambient lighting and bidets. Several interior designers were called to testify, including world-renowned Indoor Environmental Expert, Mr. Gim Meeyoomunee. Garbed in a robe of red silk, Meeyoomunee explained that toll booths historically have a Feng Shui imbalance--a condition often causing inhabitants to become cranky, overweight fans of reality television. Perry's opponents leapt to their feet to protest. The Feng Shui master hummed softly to himself until order was restored, then described the rich, athletic, friendly members of Mensa the attendants could become if the two elements of Feng Shui--wind and water--were allowed to flow through the toll booths. The most vocal opponents stormed out of the capitol and disappeared. The Texas Rangers arrested them later in Las Vegas while they were shooting craps. In a dynamic Power Point presentation featuring a heavy metal score, the Master of the Ancient Arts presented his plan: repaint the interiors a dull gray, install hard, backless stools, destroy all nearby vegetation and reposition the booths so all the windows faced north. The legislature voted unanimously to expend seventy million for the improvements. Zachary Construction Corporation was awarded the bid for the project. Crews received triple pay and completed the Feng Shui improvements in less than fifteen months. In spite of the improved Chi, the attendants were more cranky and profane than ever. They picketed the state capital and bemoaned how difficult it was to collect money through north-facing windows, when three-fourths of the toll roads were in their original positions to the south, east and west. Workers demonstrated how they had to lean out their windows, twist their bodies around the booths and dangle over the roadways like pretzels to make toll change. Perry called the Legislature into emergency session. Lawmakers passed a bill to double the price of Texas scratch-off tickets and pushed through a one hundred million dollar package to move the south, east and west roads to the north of the booths. Zachary Construction crews had completed the first phase of the project--dynamiting and removing the old pavement--when minimum wage workers representing all sectors of Texas commerce arrived dressed as Indians and egged the capitol, then threw thousands of losing lottery tickets into Lake Travis. Lawmakers halted construction of the new toll roads in an emergency session. After most Texas motorists refused to pay for the privilege of driving on dirt, the Legislature laid off the tollbooth attendants and closed the roads. Commuters adjusted by learning to leave for work forty-eight hours early, but the governor's poll numbers plummeted. State treasury funds were so low Perry agreed to suspend construction on a new prescription drug research center at A&M University, the grand opening of which was slated to coincide with 2007 Independence Day festivities. Construction halted the day before flooring installation was scheduled to begin. Perry met with pharmaceutical representatives to inspect the building and found the foyer full of abandoned wood flooring, marble and ceramic tile. When the governor and a Merck rep walked into the main research lab, the rep lit a cigarette and thumped the match into a corner. The flooring installers testified later before the legislature that, had they not been laid off, they would have been present to inform the governor they had stacked the flooring in the foyer because the main research lab was full of fireworks for the grand opening. Although the explosion demolished the building, the governor landed unhurt three hundred yards away on the rock bottom of a small stream. State Farm paid off the building and, with a profane hand gesture, pulled out of Texas for good. Although Perry held several press conferences to inform Texas voters that the twenty percent increase in property insurance rates was due to illegal immigrants crossing the border, his numbers have yet to recover. © Amber Ferguson |
Been meaning to tell you ... how much I enjoyed your satire ... too bad such good humor has to contain some truth ... very enjoyable ... excellent work. --Newspaper subscriber, 2007 Amber Ferguson's column in last Sunday's Item ... was the best satire I have read in a long time. I enjoyed it so much I copied it for some of my kinfolk and friends. As an avid reader and sometimes contributor to the Item, I really enjoy someone who injects some humor into the otherwise sad or sordid news. ... I give her a "thumbs up" and hope she will continue to give me something to look forward to. --Newspaper subscriber, 2007 (Letter to the Editor) Amber ... I really think you should do political satire on the editorial page. ... I wrote a weekly political column for several years, but now devote my time to books. As you likely know, Molly Ivins died this year. I think you could rival her in political satire ... you're only problem could be a conservative outlook-liberal publishers prefer liberal writers. --Newspaper subscriber, 2007 I just read your spoof, congrats. Great work! --Reader, 2008 |